Bodyguards (Olympus)

2007, 107 min

Country: Hungary

Studio: Olympus

Cast:Fernando Nielsen, Alfredo Castaldo, Daniel Nicolaus, Enrico Bellagio, Flavio Valentino, Julian Vincenzo, Kane O'Farrell, Orlando Toro, Renato Bellagio, Ted Harrison, Win Diezel

REVIEW

Cover model Fernando Nielsen has always been a fan favorite of those who go bonkers over hot and beefy Eastern European hunks. This entry from director Roland Dane - who still looks so insanely gorgeous it's a wonder he still doesn't grace us with his presence in front of the camera as much as we'd like - is filled to the brim with hot slabs of steamy beef, a good plot (Fernando falls for his charge) and plenty of hyper-charged sexual trysts.

The scene that was the highlight for me personally was the group poolside orgy towards the end of the film, which includes an appearance by former Falcon hottie Kane O'Farrell, who is now more inked and bulked up than ever. I used to have a minor crush on him... now I want him in my bed 24/7.

The technical and production credits are well above-average, and while you won't see anything you've never seen before, I was duly impressed overall. Certainly worth a purchase, these Bodyguards are also worth hiring. Oh, and make sure you pay for overtime... you never know what they'll do for coins!

Empire of Caesar

2005, 90Mins

Country: US

Studio: Diamond Pictures

Cast: Gino Francesco, Claudio Antonelli, Fredy Costa, Alfredo Castaldo, Andreas Harris, Antonio Martinelli, Dean Michaels, Eric Flower, Ettore Valentino, Gerry Preston, Helmut Muller, Kevin Cage, Mario McCabe, Xavier Demarco

SYNOPSIS

Tireless Eastern European pornmeister Csaba Borbély embarks on yet another multi-volume epic. This one does for ancient Rome what Lovers of Arabia did for the Ottoman Empire­ and with the same cloaks and tunics. Most of the action takes place at Caesar's palatial residence, a domicile resembling a Budapest male bordello, circa 1948. (The walls feature pornographic frescoes of 20th-century seamen.) Placed artfully hither and yon are crummy-looking statues of the gods; arrangements of tankards, hookahs, and cruets; and bowls of bananas, apples, watermelon chunks, and Hawaiian pineapples.

Amid the out-of-period garishness and historical bloopers, there are half a dozen outbreaks of sex, augmented by Imperial latex condoms. Julius Caesar (Gino Francesco), a closet case, has secret dalliances with a couple of favorites, one of whom is part of an assassination plot. There's also a murky three-way at the baths; a mechanical three-way among conspirators; a dim, tripartite jerk-off session; and an orgy where, after a banquet of chicken legs, bananas, and hard-boiled eggs, four Roman Senators have one another for dessert.

Some viewers will find the subtitled dialogue more entertaining than the stolid, passionless sex. "Your loyal subjects welcome you," Caesar is told upon his return to Rome from a round of conquest. "I hope the loyal subjects didn't cost too much," he replies without a hint of irony.